Book Review: Kiss Me Again--Restoring Lost Intimacy In Marriage By Barbara Wilson

By Lauryn Abbott

Love and marriage, and . . . sex. In her new book Kiss Me Again, (Multnomah Books/ Sep 2009) Barbara Wilson explores intimacy and sex in marriage and how emotions, sexual abuse and past sexual impurity can sabotage the sacred union between a husband and a wife. In society today, premarital sex is more the rule than the exception (sadly, even in Christian circles), and this creates unhealthy and invisible bonds to any persons with shared sexual history. And these bonds cause pain, scars, and hang-ups that are damaging to marriage. But forgiveness, healing and freedom are available. This great book includes a 10-week study guide at the end. It can be read and worked-through individually, as a couple, or even within a safe women’s small group setting.

Many married women genuinely want to feel more desire toward their husbands. But while sex before marriage was hard to resist, now resisting seems like all they do. In her new book, Barbara Wilson shows how couples can suffer for years from the “invisible bonds” of previous relationships without even knowing it. Hidden emotions of distrust, shame, and resentment can sabotage even the most loving marriage.

In Kiss Me Again, Wilson:

~ Shares her own story of healing and renewed desire
~ Helps women forgive themselves and their husbands for past choices
~ Shows readers how to break free from “invisible bonds”
~ Explains God’s plan for helping a husband and wife to re-bond
~ Includes conversation helps for both wives and their husbands
~ Helps couples reignite the passion that they thought was lost

With assessment tools, write-in exercises, and gentle guidance, Kiss Me Again offers a biblical plan for rekindling the closeness and passion women long for in marriage. Because no past is beyond the reach of God’s healing touch.

Barbara Wilson is the author of The Invisible Bond and former director of sexual health education for the Alternatives Pregnancy Resource Center in Sacramento. She speaks nationwide to youth and adults with her message of sexual healing, and she teaches frequently in the women’s ministry at the multi-campus Bayside Church in Northern California. Barbara and her husband, Eric, have been married for 28 years.  You'll find the author online at www.barbarawilson.org

Sexually Satisfied Women Have Better General Well-Being and More Vitality

Copyright © 2006-2010, Basil & Spice. All rights reserved.

Chinese Medicine Brings Back The Libido

Jill Blakeway, M.Sc, L.Ac.--

“Can you help me get my mojo back?”

Karen¹ was a tired Mom with two small children who was worried about her lack of libido. Here at the YinOva Center we regularly hear from women who are concerned that they have little or no interest in sex. To a certain extent it’s normal for sexual desire to wax and wane and a low sex drive is often the result of major life changes such as illness, having a baby or menopause. Karen was delighted to hear that something as ancient and traditional as Chinese medicine has much to offer a modern woman who wants revive her sex drive. In fact, Chinese medicine associates a healthy sex drive with overall good health and some of the most famous Chinese tonic herbs, such as Ginseng, are also considered to be herbal aphrodisiacs.

The problems women have with their sex life can be divided into four areas

•      Lack of desire
•      Lack of arousal
•      Failure to orgasm
•      Pain or discomfort with intercourse

All of these areas have different diagnoses in Chinese medicine and are treated with different combinations of herbs and regular acupuncture treatments.

Lack of libido in women is usually diagnosed as weak Kidney Qi and Heart blood deficiency. The kidneys are considered to be the root of reproductive energy and the emotions, as reflected by the heart, also play a vital role in female sexuality. So we treat low desire with a combination of herbs that nourish both the heart and kidneys.

Lack of arousal is also related to weak kidney energy but in this case it is attributed to weak kidney yin. Yin is what gives our bodies lubrication and so at the YinOva Center we have found that giving our patients herbs that tonify kidney yin can really help them become aroused easier.

Failure to orgasm is related to stagnation and in particular stagnation of liver qi. In Chinese medicine the liver channel flows through the genitals and the liver is responsible for the smooth flow of energy throughout the body. Lack of orgasm is related to an interruption in this energy flow. We give these patients qi-moving herbs which seem to help a great deal.

Painful intercourse is also related to stagnation in Chinese medicine – blood stagnation. As in Western medicine where painful intercourse is associated with a diagnosis of endometriosis or fibroids, in Chinese medicine the pain is attributed to some kind of local obstruction. We give these patients blood moving herbs as well as referring them to their gynecologist for further investigation.

At the YinOva Center we start by taking a full history and working out your Chinese medical diagnosis. In Karen’s case running around after two toddlers was making her tired and leaving little time or energy left for sex. She also talked about how separate she felt from her husband, Andy¹, now that her life revolved around their kids. She commented that when she and Andy did make time they both still enjoyed sex but that motivation was an issue. The combination of emotional shut down and physical exhaustion was a clear case of kidney qi deficiency and heart blood deficiency. I gave Karen a Chinese herbal formula and we agreed to meet once a week for regular acupuncture. She also decided to consciously set aside time for intimacy. Within a month Karen was much happier about her sex life. She described feeling much closer to her husband and commented that he too seemed to have a new spring in his step.

Here’s the advice we give our YinOva Center patients when they come to us for help in reviving their sex drive.

Come and see us for regular acupuncture – acupuncture moves qi and blood in the channels around the genitals and so can help with issues related to orgasm. Acupuncture can also gently balance hormones and so can help increase desire and arousal.

A specially tailored herbal formula can be really helpful. Many of our patients have reported great success from taking Chinese herbs for their particular condition. Chinese medicine has a long tradition of using safe, gentle aphrodisiacs and may be all you need to get your sex life back on track

Consult your doctor – there can be structural and hormonal issues affecting your libido and your doctor will be able to help with these. Your doctor can also tell you if any of the medicine you are taking is lowering your libido and may be able to suggest alternatives. She can also check for undiagnosed medical conditions such as diabetes, high blood pressure and hypothyroid – all of which can affect your sexual response.

Exercise – regular exercise moves qi in Chinese medicine and so alleviates the qi stagnation associated with poor sexual response. Exercise also reduces stress and improves your body image, both of which will help you feel sexier.

Strengthen your pelvic muscles. Pelvic floor exercises called Kegel exercises can help you become more aware of which muscles give you sexual pleasure. To perform these exercises, tighten your pelvic muscles as if you’re stopping a stream of urine. Hold for a count of five, relax and repeat. Do this several times a day.

Set aside time for sex. Although you sacrifice spontaneity by doing this, scheduling time when you and your partner can be intimate can really help a struggling sex life. You can also liven things up by making some changes to your regular sexual routine.

1. All names have been changed to protect the privacy of our patients.

Jill Blakeway is a Licensed Acupuncturist and Board Certified Herbalist. A former Professor of Traditional Asian Medicine she is the coauthor of Making Babies: A Proven Three Month Program for Maximum Fertility and The Fertility Plan. She is the Clinic Director at the YinOva Center in New York City, which is a complementary medical center for women and children. www.yinovacenter.com

Book Review: Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility

Copyright © 2006-2009, Basil & Spice. All rights reserved.

Sexually Satisfied Women Have Better General Well-Being and More Vitality

Older Women Have Higher Well-Being Scores than Younger Women

Pre- and post-menopausal women who self-rated themselves as being sexually satisfied had a higher overall psychological well-being score and scores for “positive well-being” and “vitality,” compared with sexually dissatisfied women in a study of 295 women sexually active more than twice a month.  The study, published today in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, also uncovered a positive association between age and well-being, but a negative association for general health.   The most commonly reported sexual problems in the area of consensual sexuality in women relate to sexual desire and interest, pleasure and satisfaction, and for most women these are part of the overall sexual experience, and are inextricably related. 

In contrast to studies of interventions for male erectile dysfunction, benefit of treatment in women with sexual dysfunction cannot be measured simply by the frequency of sexual events, as women frequently continue to be sexually active despite a high level of sexual dissatisfaction. Thus the frequency of self-reported satisfactory sexual events has been used as the primary outcome in recent studies.   To assess whether there was a correlation between sexual satisfaction and well-being, the team of Australian researchers recruited women from the community aged 20-65 who self-identified as being satisfied or dissatisfied with their sexual function. 

Participants were also asked questions which identified whether they were pre- or post menopausal, with recruitment closed when there was an equal number of women in each of the four subgroups.   “We wanted to explore the links between sexual satisfaction and wellbeing in women from the community, and to see if there was any difference between pre- and postmenopausal women,” said lead author Dr Sonia Davison, of the Women’s Health Program at Monash University, Australia.  “We found that women who were sexually dissatisfied had lower well-being and lower vitality. This finding highlights the importance of addressing these areas as an essential part of women’s healthcare, because women may be uncomfortable discussing these issues with their doctor.”   “The problem with interpreting this finding is that it is impossible to determine if dissatisfied women had lower well-being because they were sexually dissatisfied, or if the reverse is true, such that women who started with lower well-being tended to secondarily have sexual dissatisfaction,” added Davison.  “As such, pharmacotherapies aimed to treat sexual dysfunction may have secondary effects on well-being, and the reverse may be true.”  

As over 90% of women in this study reported their sexual activity involved a partner, and was initiated by the partner at least 50% of the time, the sexual activity of the women may have been affected by partner presence (or absence), partner health, and sexual function, which were not addressed in this study. “The fact that women who self-identified as being dissatisfied maintained the level of sexual activity reported most likely represents established behaviour and partner expectation,” said Professor Susan Davis, senior author of this study, also based at the Women’s Health Program at Monash University, Australia. “It also reinforces the fact that frequency of sexual activity in women cannot be employed as a reliable indicator of sexual well-being.”  

“We are proud to publish this extremely important study in women's sexual health” said Dr. Irwin Goldstein, Editor-in-Chief of The Journal of Sexual Medicine.  “This large study performed in the community emphasizes the role and importance of women's sexual health in women's overall health and well-being.  Previous criticism equated physicians’ efforts to improve a woman's satisfaction with her sexual life as medicalization. Dr. Davison's and co-workers’ research will help health care professionals appreciate the need for overall women's healthcare to include women's sexual health care.”

Citation:  Davison SL; Bell R; LaChina M; Holden SL; Davis SR; The Relationship between Self-Reported Sexual Satisfaction and General Well-Being in Women; Journal of Sexual Medicine; 2009; DOI: 10.1111/j.1743-6109.2009.01406.x

About the Authors: Dr Sonia Davison is an NHMRC postdoctoral Research Fellow and Professor Susan Davis, MBBS FRACP PhD, is Director of the Women’s Health Program at Monash University in Victoria, Australia.

About the Editor: Irwin Goldstein, M.D. is Director of Sexual Medicine, Alvarado Hospital, San Diego and Clinical Professor of Surgery at University of California, San Diego.

About The Journal of Sexual Medicine (JSM)
JSM is a peer-reviewed publication founded in 2004 and is the official journal of the International Society for Sexual Medicine, its five regional affiliated societies and the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health. It publishes multi-disciplinary basic science and clinical research to define and understand the scientific basis of male and female sexual function and dysfunction and carries an Impact Factor of 5.393.  For more information, please visit www.jsm.issm.info.

The International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM) was founded in 1982 for the purpose of promoting, throughout the international scientific community, research and knowledge in sexual medicine, considered as the subspecialty area of medicine that embraces the study, diagnosis and treatment of the sexual health concerns of men and women. The society has over 2700 members worldwide, with five regional societies that are affiliated with ISSM: the Africa Gulf Society for Sexual Medicine, Asia Pacific Society for Sexual Medicine, European Society for Sexual Medicine, Latin American Society for Sexual Medicine, and Sexual Medicine Society of North America. For more information please visit www.issm.info.

About Wiley-Blackwell
Wiley-Blackwell is the international scientific, technical, medical, and scholarly publishing business of John Wiley & Sons, with strengths in every major academic and professional field and partnerships with many of the world’s leading societies. Wiley-Blackwell publishes nearly 1,500 peer-reviewed journals and 1,500+ new books annually in print and online, as well as databases, major reference works and laboratory protocols. For more information, please visit www.wileyblackwell.com or www.interscience.wiley.com.

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