“Mad Men” Parents’ Divorce Mistakes

Rosalind Sedacca--

Don and Betty Draper are getting a divorce – and parents around the globe are watching in dismay. While the stars of Mad Men are just characters in a popular TV drama, the way these two very self-absorbed parents broke the news to their children was heart-breaking and eye-opening at the same time.

Not surprisingly, most viewers picked up on how poorly this major life challenge was handled by both Don and Betty.  Looking over their shoulders we can gasp at their insensitivity to the plight of their children, grimace at their poor communication skills and wonder what they were thinking as they sat together as a family in the formal living room.

When the situation comes home and touches our own lives, however, it appears our perspective gets fuzzy and we easily lose our awareness about how dramatically the children are being affected.

Fortunately there is much we can learn from watching the errors Don and Betty made as they stumbled through the conversation. Here’s some sound and sane advice:

1. Prepare in advance. Talk together as Mom and Dad to get on the same page and agree on your message, the degree of disclosure and how to approach each child, whether separately or together as a family.
2. Understand that this is about the children. Agree not to argue, point fingers or lay blame (even if you feel justified!)
3. Repeatedly tell your children they are in no way responsible for these circumstances (even if you’ve been fighting about them!) They are innocent and need to be told so.
4. Keep the communication age-appropriate. Children are not confidants for adult-level information (no matter how tempting)!
5. Remind the children how much you love them and always will – no matter what may change!
6. Remind them that you will always be their Mom and Dad – forever!
7. Talk about the changes ahead as being another chapter in your family’s life -- and that change is a natural part of living. It may be scary but it can also be better (especially if there has been tension, fighting and other stressors that have been affecting the children).
8. Answer their questions as completely as you can with sincerity and compassion. It’s okay not to have all the details in place. Your children need comfort and reassurance at this time. There will be other conversations ahead.
9. Be sensitive to their emotions and reactions. They may want hugs, scream out in rage or to run away and cry. Be there for them in every way you can.
10. Remember that children love and feel connected to both parents. Anything you do or say to pull them away from their other parent will create pain, confusion and guilt for them and negative consequences for you – both in the short and long-term!
11. Never force your children to choose between Mom and Dad. It promotes guilt and anxiety. Make those decisions for them so they don’t feel the burden of responsibility.
12. Keep life as normal as possible and continue as many routines as you can: school, sports, friends, extended family visits, celebrations, etc. (Don’t take off and leave the kids with a sitter while you arrange for divorce proceedings in another state!)
13. Try the innovative approach that worked for me and hundreds of my readers around the world: create a personal family storybook with family history and photos in advance and present to the kids as the basis for your conversation. They can reread it again and again and be comforted by the messages you are sharing. You’ll get advice from six therapists along with fill-in-the-blank templates and my own how-do guidance in How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love?

If you keep your children’s well-being at the forefront of your mind during and long after the dreaded divorce talk, you’ll make wiser decisions on your children’s behalf. Remember they will ultimately grow up and hold you accountable for how you handled these tough times. Seek professional assistance and continue to be the best parent you can be. They will thank you in the years to come!

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.

Recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, Rosalind Sedacca is a Certified Corporate Trainer and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents facing, moving through or transitioning beyond divorce. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! which offers a unique approach to breaking divorce news to your children based on her own personal experience. Rosalind is on the Board of Directors of ChildSharing, Inc. and WE Magazine for Women. She writes monthly columns for several divorce and parenting websites, is an Advisor at ParentalWisdom.com, and on the Panel of Experts for the Nat’l Assoc. of Divorce for Women & Children. She is also the 2008 National First Place Winner of the Victorious Woman Award. Rosalind shares her expertise through TV, radio and print interviews, newsletters, teleseminars and coaching. To learn more about her book, free ezine, programs and other valuable resources on creating a positive Child-Centered Divorce, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com and www.howdoitellthekids.com.

Public Divorce: Jon & Kate – Stop Before It’s Too Late!

Should Divorced Dads Get Equal Custody?

4 Divorce Don’ts When Telling the Kids!

Copyright © 2006-2010, Basil & Spice. All rights reserved.

How To Handle Toxic Relationships At Holiday Time

Susan Shapiro Barash--

It's that time of year again, when we confirm plans with family members and our closest friends, juggle our obligations and attempt to look forward to the start of the holiday season.  The holidays, beginning with Thanksgiving dinner and moving quickly to the Christmas celebration, are meant to be festive.  Even in the downturn, the thrill of exchanging gifts prevails as does the anticipation of the next several weeks of celebration. Still, an underlying theme of many such reunions, one that  plenty of us are hesitant to talk about, is how much we dread  spending time with certain family members and, in some instances, our closest friends. 

A reluctance to be with a family member or two is understandable, and recalls the old adage that we can't choose our relatives – they are assigned to us. However, when we add to the mix the friends with whom we share Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, and the sense of unease we feel in their company, it's difficult to know where to turn. 

There are strained, even toxic relationships of all sorts that exist throughout the year - mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are at the top of the list, followed by estranged adult siblings, stepchildren and stepparents, angry adolescent children, icy sisters-in-law, and ex-spouses. 

During the holidays, however, these interactions are loaded and ubiquitous. Ex-spouses come to pick up the shared children for their second turkey dinner of the day, ex-wives and present wives often find themselves face to face to confirm plans for the following days, and husbands are strangely passive, watching football in the den as if their mothers and wives are not going at it in the kitchen. Deep down we wonder why, year in, year out, these machinations occur between family members and why no one who commands respect (a father/ grandfather/ mother/ grandmother) has the ability to ameliorate the situation.

To top it off, there are those friends who, for a variety of reasons, are included in these fraught family affairs. For instance, there’s the friend who doesn't reciprocate, but expects the invitation from you on a yearly basis, the friend who is rude or crude, and the friend who arrives late and leaves early, or arrives early and leaves late. Surely there are excuses for such superficial problems (although they gnaw at us, nonetheless), but what about the more serious issues? What happens when these friends fail us, especially since it is support that we need from them and a sense of allegiance? 

For example, the friend who purposely wins over your mother-in-law, despite what she knows about your relationship with her.  Or the friend who suddenly changes her politics to impress your father, or offers information to your ghastly cousins about the best sample sales?  And most egregious, the friend who now, in public, seems to take the side of a family member (perhaps your hostile sister?) against you.  It defies description, and suspends your disbelief.

If we know all of this, as so many of us do, why do we repeat the scenario year in and year out?  For some of us, it's about acceptance, for others, it's about avoiding further conflict (not inviting friends and family can cause an uproar), and for others, it's a matter of hope against hope.  Perhaps this year we can be more honest and address those relationships and friendships that are painful, taking into account the redemptive nature of the holidays. After all, there is always the chance to renegotiate these relationships, although it requires courage and a serious conversation. In terms of the risk-reward ratio, clearing the air of toxicity is a wise move.

Advice on how to mitigate circumstances:

• Lower your expectations – and you’ll be happier with the results.

• At the same time, expect the most from yourself – and act with decorum.

• Consider carefully what you wish to convey to the family and friends before any heart to heart begins.

• Be the front runner (offer to host, offer to help plan the dinner), and that way you’ll feel you have more say and more of a voice.

• This is a good time to reassess these relationships and better understand who each player is in the equation.  Knowledge is power.

Susan Shapiro Barash is the author of Toxic Friends (St. Martin's Press/ Oct 2009) and ten previous books. She teaches gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College.  A well-recognized gender expert, she is frequently sought out by newspapers, television shows, and radio programs to comment on women's issues.  You'll find the author online at SusanShapiroBarash.com

Toxic Friends: 50% Of Women Admit To Emotional Blackmail

Copyright © 2006-2010, Basil & Spice. All rights reserved.

 

Review: Searching For Philip K. Dick By Anne R. Dick

By Randall Radic

On April Fool’s Day in 1959, Anne Rubenstein married Philip K. Dick.  At first, the marriage was a happy union of two loving and talented people.  Later, though, Anne Dick found herself living in the Twilight Zone.  For Philip K. Dick entered what some commentators have described as “an altered state of consciousness,” becoming either a madman, or a philosopher, or a mystical prophet.  Or perhaps all three simultaneously.

The metamorphosis took place in 1974, when Dick’s reality tunnel collapsed and was replaced by a kind of virtual reality, where he envisioned himself living in Rome in 70 AD or as possessed by his friend Bishop James Pike or as channeling telepathic communiqués for alien beings from Sirius.  When he finally emerged from his virtual reality, Dick, in his attempt to interpret what had happened to him, believed that ‘reality’ was nothing more than a dream state superimposed upon mankind by the Roman Empire, which was still in existence but concealed and undetectable.  Dick referred to this dream state as the Black Iron Prison. 

Eventually, Dick discarded this explanation.  He then began writing a massive book called Exegesis, in which he tried to comprehend his experiences.  In his last novel, Dick concluded that the meaning to everything was love. 

Search is the story of Anne Dick’s life with Philip K. Dick.  She is a talented writer in her own right and tells her story with moving charm.  Her love for Philip K. Dick is only matched by her inability to live with him or help him.  It's a story of delicious madness and negative joy.  The story of a woman’s struggle to love a man oppressed by the solitude of his own genius.

In essence, then, Search is Anne Dick’s attempt do what Dick tried to do when he wrote Exegesis – comprehend her experiences with Philip K. Dick.  Whether or not she was successful, only she can answer.  But the resulting book is a wonderful biography of a literary giant, written by a woman who knew him intimately, loved him, and continues to love him even now. 

On the Read-O-Meter, which ranges from 1 star (dull and boring) to 5 stars (fascinating), Search channels 5 stars.  For Philip K. Dick was one of those rare individuals whose personality and life were more interesting than his novels.  Fact is stranger than fiction.     

Philip K. Dick was one of the best science fiction writers in the history of literature.  The movies Blade Runner, Total Recall, A Scanner Darkly and Next were all adapted from Dick’s novels or short stories.   

Search For Philip K. Dick 1928-1982 (Point Reyes Cypress Press/ 2009) By Anne R. Dick 

Randall Radic is a former Old Catholic priest. After a midlife crisis, he spent time behind bars. Today, he has emerged a changed man.  As the author of  Gone To Hell: True Crimes of America’s Clergy (ECW Press/ Oct 2009), Radic aims to warn the public of the sins committed behind the walls of churches every day.  Randall Radic is also author of A Priest in Hell: Gangs, Murderers and Snitching in a California Jail.

Mackenzie Phillips, Pregnant By Father, Aborted, Forgave

Copyright © 2006-2010, Basil & Spice. All rights reserved.

Kids Pick Review: Front And Center By Catherine Gilbert Murdock

By Corinne Edwards

Front And Center (Houghton Mifflin Books/ Oct 2009) is the third and final book in a trilogy, so I highly recommend reading Dairy Queen (Graphia/ 2007) and The Off Season (Graphia/ 2008) first.

That being said, this is such a fantastic wrap up to what has been a fantastically enjoyable series. D. J. is back in school and ready to play her favorite sport--basketball. And as much as D.J. would prefer to blend in the background instead of having to, you know, talk to people or especially ever be in the limelight, things are taken out of her hands--a bit. And suddenly she's got some really tough decisions to make: about boys, about playing basketball and about the kind of girl she wants to be.

Maybe the thing I love most about these books is D.J. and her relationship with her family - they're a quirky bunch, as full of faults as every other family, but they really do watch out for each other. And they are so grounded in the Midwest, with their farm and love of sports and small-town sense of community. Not only that, but D.J.'s commentary on the world is just such a pleasure to read; she's a riot. Her internal wisecracks and sarcastic observations are nearly always spot-on. And in this final book, she really does have to dig deep to find out what she's willing to do for the people she loves - and for herself. Loved it.

Catherine Gilbert Murdock says about herself, "For the record, I did not play football or basketball in high school. I ran cross-country and track, badly, but I have absolutely no skill whatsoever with ball sports."  However, you'll find that she is a phenomenal writer.  You can find the author online at www.catherinemurdock.com.

Book Review: The Midwife--A Memoir by Jennifer Worth

Copyright © 2006-2010, Basil & Spice. All rights reserved.

Overcome Holiday Depression During and After Divorce

Rosalind Sedacca--

Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday -- can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the "shoulds."  We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he's doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn't. You get the idea.

 Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.

Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.

Be your own best friend:

Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.

Focus on lifting the spirits of others:

Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Integrate – don’t isolate:

Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.

Initiate New Holiday Traditions:

Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.

Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.

Recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, Rosalind Sedacca is a Certified Corporate Trainer and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents facing, moving through or transitioning beyond divorce. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! which offers a unique approach to breaking divorce news to your children based on her own personal experience. Rosalind is on the Board of Directors of ChildSharing, Inc. and WE Magazine for Women. She writes monthly columns for several divorce and parenting websites, is an Advisor at ParentalWisdom.com, and on the Panel of Experts for the Nat’l Assoc. of Divorce for Women & Children. She is also the 2008 National First Place Winner of the Victorious Woman Award. Rosalind shares her expertise through TV, radio and print interviews, newsletters, teleseminars and coaching. To learn more about her book, free ezine, programs and other valuable resources on creating a positive Child-Centered Divorce, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com and www.howdoitellthekids.com.

Public Divorce: Jon & Kate – Stop Before It’s Too Late!

Should Divorced Dads Get Equal Custody?

4 Divorce Don’ts When Telling the Kids!

Copyright © 2006-2010, Basil & Spice. All rights reserved.