- LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

Tuesday

03Nov2009

Made Divorce Mistakes? It’s Never Too Late to Get it Right--For Your Children

Nov 3, 2009

Rosalind Sedacca--

Whether you got divorced several weeks ago or it’s been several years, most of us can acknowledge that we’ve made some mistakes.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

Chances are, in the heat of the divorce drama, we settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

While some legal matters will involve only legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy. And it’s never too late to make amends and get it right.

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets – take action.

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for actions or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those behaviors, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encourage the kids to have a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults. Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along -- it’s more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too – and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

If you have nothing to “own” and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way, focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children, and reaching out a hand in peace.

There’s no guarantee this will work – and we all know some certified jerks out there of both genders – but I wouldn’t give up – ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for the children you love.

When you take the “high” road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It’s a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things “right.” They’ll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.

Recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, Rosalind Sedacca is a Certified Corporate Trainer and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents facing, moving through or transitioning beyond divorce. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! which offers a unique approach to breaking divorce news to your children based on her own personal experience. Rosalind is on the Board of Directors of ChildSharing, Inc. and WE Magazine for Women. She writes monthly columns for several divorce and parenting websites, is an Advisor at ParentalWisdom.com, and on the Panel of Experts for the Nat’l Assoc. of Divorce for Women & Children. She is also the 2008 National First Place Winner of the Victorious Woman Award. Rosalind shares her expertise through TV, radio and print interviews, newsletters, teleseminars and coaching. To learn more about her book, free ezine, programs and other valuable resources on creating a positive Child-Centered Divorce, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com and www.howdoitellthekids.com.

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3 Steps Toward Forgiving Your Boss

Nov 1, 2009

Connie Domino--

Are your co-workers, rude, jealous, and back-stabbing? Do you dread going to work? If you answered yes, you'll be excited to know there is a technique you can use to clean up your work environment, allowing for a more harmonious, peaceful and productive work place.

You may be surprised to know that forgiveness is the key to turning your work life around. You may be wondering how you can possibly forgive the very people who have made your life so miserable. To fully understand forgiveness you must know:

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself and not for the other person.

Forgiveness is a social or spiritual law of the universe; just like the law of gravity it is predictable and unchanging and can be used by anyone regardless of his or her faith tradition.

Forgiveness releases the hold that person's behavior has on your life. It immediately frees energy to come into your life and assists you to meet your goals and dreams.

Forgiveness is not a nice thing you do for undeserving people. It's actually a selfish act, but it's not a negative act. Forgiveness is one of the most positive and loving things you can do for yourself and others.

Forgiveness will not only improve your life at work, but can unblock energy allowing for goals and dreams to manifest in every area of your life.

The 3 Step Technique

The 3 Step Technique utilizes affirmative goal setting and visualization, a potent combination with quick results.

Step 1: You must write a goal affirmation for the relationship you wish to improve. All the words must be positive and forward moving. The affirmation must be written as if the goal has already come true and it must include a goal date for manifesting. State this affirmation three or more times daily.

Example: My relationship with my co-worker or boss now has the following qualities:

Basic respect

Cooperation
By: Goal Date

Team Work, etc.

Step 2: You forgive the person you're angry with. The best way to forgive someone is to sincerely say an affirmation of forgiveness. You have a conversation with the person's higher self or soul letting them know that you forgive them completely and freely, and you release them, and release the incident that happened between you, and you hold them in the light. When you have completed your forgiveness affirmation, you visualize the person accepting it and you move to Step 3.

Step 3: Keeping them in your mind's eye, you will have a soul to soul conversation with the person's higher self. A person's higher self will not judge you, so you can literally pour your heart out to them. Begin by describing the problem and how it makes you feel. Second, describe the solution. Third, explain to them the consequences if their behavior doesn't change. At this point, you can visualize their higher self agreeing with your solution. Visualize the person's higher self accepting what you have said and then walking out a door or off a stage.

You can complete Steps 2 and 3 in the privacy of your home. You do not need to contact the person you are forgiving or get them involved. To prepare, you will get into a comfortable position. You will bring the person you wish to forgive into your mind's eye. You will visualize their higher "angelic looking" self, and not their mean, nasty Earth self.

Be ready for the positive changes the next time you go to work. Tapping into the Law of Forgiveness through the 3 Step Technique is one of the most powerful strategies for positively affecting a difficult relationship.

Connie Domino, MPH, RN, author of The Law of Forgiveness: Tap into the Positive Power of Forgiveness -- And Attract Good Things to Your Life (Penguin Group/ Nov 2009), is a nationally acclaimed life coach, trainer, registered nurse, support group facilitator, motivational speaker, and educational counselor who teaches public health nursing at the University of North Carolina. You'll find the author online at www.TheLawofForgiveness.com.

John Edwards--Can He Earn Forgiveness?

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Thursday

29Oct2009

Nearly 50% Of All Marriages End In Divorce

Oct 29, 2009

Lauren Mackler--

In a CNN interview a couple of weeks ago, I was asked what the next steps should be for estranged reality TV couple Kate and Jon Gosselin, who are engaged in a contentious divorce. Although the Gosselins are unique in that they are the parents of 8 children, their bitter divorce is not unusual. Nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce, many of which are as acrimonious as the Gosselins’. My recent interview below addresses why many marriages fall apart, and how to stop the destructive patterns that turn relationships into battlefields.

What causes a relationship to deteriorate to the point of a separation or divorce?
The things that draw people together in a relationship are the same ones that drive them apart. People typically fall in love with partners who have the qualities they lack in themselves—their opposite—in an unconscious quest to feel complete. While they’re initially enamored by those differences, over time, they often become points of conflict and disdain. And since most people lack good communication and conflict management skills, the real issues never get addressed. Over time, resentment builds, trust is eroded, and the relationship becomes a constant battlefield.

It’s one thing not to get along, but in many relationships, things become downright ugly. What causes such intense anger and bitterness?
Intimate relationships tend to invoke our deepest wounds. We’re all the product of our life conditioning. And since most people come from families with some level of dysfunction, most of us carry emotional pain and dysfunctional patterns into our relationships. Many of these patterns are like viruses, infecting our self-esteem, our lives, and our relationships. Those closest to us know exactly how to invoke our deepest wounds, which is why people react so badly in the midst of divorce. They think it’s the other person who’s causing their pain, when, in fact, they’re both replicating the dysfunctional patterns learned in childhood in their own marriage.

How can people stop the cycle of anger and destructive behavior in the midst of a separation or divorce?
When a relationship deteriorates to the point where the partners become what I call “intimate enemies”, the best approach is to find a professional who can help them cut through the symptoms of their issues—which are often disguised as anger, resentment, jealousy, or infidelity—and address the root causes of their problems. This is especially important when there are children involved, because they still have to interact as parents. Regardless of whether the couple stays together or divorces, the only way they can co-parent in an amicable and constructive manner is for them to become aware of the dysfunctional patterns they each brought into the relationship. Once they’ve identified what they are, they need to do the personal-development work needed to change them. If the destructive behavior continues, it will inevitably cause deep emotional and psychological damage to their children, and the legacy of dysfunction will pass on to the next generation.

Lauren Mackler, an innovator in activating human potential, is a renowned coach, keynote speaker, teacher, and popular radio and TV talk-show guest. Over the past 25 years, she has been a psychotherapist, workshop facilitator, corporate consultant, coach, and a leading authority in the areas of personal transformation, relationships, and professional performance. She is a fellow author of Speaking of Success with Jack Canfield, Stephen Covey, and Ken Blanchard and author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. In 2001, she founded Lauren Mackler & Associates, integrating her diverse experience to create coaching programs, workshops, and training programs that help people unleash their greatest potential in their personal lives, careers, relationships, and organizations. Visit her Website at www.laurenmackler.com.

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Book Review: One Soul, One Love, One Heart By John E. Welshons

Oct 27, 2009

By Marilyn Dalrymple

What I found that sets this book apart from other books about spirituality is that One Soul, One Love, One Heart, discusses, as the title states, “All Relationships.” This is, I think, unique and very beneficial for the reader.

Sections of the book are titled, “Seeing the Light,” “Freeing the Light,” and “Being the Light.”

Seeing the Light emphasizes the reader’s responsibility to take ownership of their actions and none actions. In order to do this one must realize that each of us is only a part of a big picture, but our individual actions cause repercussions that ripple out and touch others either negatively or positively and we have the choice and responsibility of choosing which way our actions influence others. The world does not revolve around us alone, but our participation in, and responses to life effects, not only ourselves, but those to whom we are connected.

Part two discusses, “Freeing the Light.” What are the road blocks that prevent us from living our lives to the fullest? What stops us from following our spiritual path? Much of this segment of the book reiterates “The Four Noble Truths,” “The Eight-Fold Path,” and “The Five Hindrances;” all Buddhist teachings and all teaching valuable lessons.

Part three discusses “Being the Light,” which is the most important lesson we can learn. I found this part of the book the most intriguing. How do we have a relationship with our soul, our body and our mind and personality? How do we best nurture a relationship with our parents, siblings, spouse, children and God? How important are these connections in our lives? Heavy subjects discussed in a loving, helpful manner.

I think this book is destined to be a classic. It is full of wisdom and written with heart, kindness and intelligence and carries a message desperately needed at this particular time in history. This 250 page book is definitely worth the price and taking the time to read. A true jewel.

John E. Welshons is a highly respected contemporary spiritual teacher who lectures and leads meditation courses throughout North America. He is the author of Awakening from Grief and When Prayers Aren’t Answered as well as numerous audio programs on meditation and spirituality. You'll find the author online at www.openheartseminars.com

One Soul, One Love, One Heart: The Sacred Path to Healing All Relationships (New World Library/ Oct 2009) by John E. Welshons

Book Review: The Gastronomy of Marriage By Michelle Maisto

After Divorce: Choose Active Versus Reactive Parenting

Oct 25, 2009

Rosalind Sedacca--

Parenting is never easy. The challenges are enormous. Decisions are rarely black and white. How much should you indulge your children? When do you step in on sibling or friend-related battles? How much can you trust other parents watching your child for sleep-overs and play dates? How tolerant should you be regarding food and eating issues? When should you step in with discipline? When are you crossing the line with punishment? The questions and decisions are infinite, emotionally challenging and hard to resolve.

All of this is life as usual for parents in a traditional marriage. When you add the component of divorce to the mix, the waters are considerably more muddied. And many divorced parents find themselves in the position of questioning their true motives when faced with parenting decisions. What about you? Are your behaviors influenced by your feelings about your former spouse? Are you responding based on your child’s best interest – or reacting based on revenge, spite, anger or other “I’ll show them …” validations for “getting even?”

When your child’s well-being is at stake, this is a question you need to reflect upon. Your answer can have serious consequences.

When faced with making decisions about holiday activities, summer vacation, attending the school concert or neighborhood soccer game, are you thinking first about how your child would like things to be? Are you seeing the world from their perspective for a while? Are you basing your decision on creating a win-win outcome for your “family” – or trying to wield power over your ex to keep them out of the equation? It’s often easy to justify being rude or uncooperative, too tired or too busy to share the kids with their other parent. But are you remembering who is really being hurt by your behavior?

By practicing active rather than reactive parenting after your divorce, you are giving your children the best hope for a happier and more positive future. It’s worth the time, the consideration and the awareness about choices you make. And you’ll be a better parent in the end.

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